It takes all of five minutes of a bad tempered exchange before the two men are at each other’s throats.

What is the point of banning an organisation when it will only reappear with the same personnel under a different name?

So far they’ve come up with:

• Al-Muhajiroun
• Al Ghurabaa
• Islam4UK
• Call to Submission
• Islamic Path
• London School of Sharia
• The Saved Sect or Saviour Sect

Help out Andy Choudary and the girls. What should be the name of their next incarnation?

The Yasmin Fostok Fanclub

[Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is coincidental. No Islamic extremists were hurt during the making of this film]

There are no gays in Iran because…

(check out the hands of the sailors in the distance)

You know what to do…

“Just when you thought news from the Islamic Republic of Pakistan could not shock us any more, here is a report about a man caught in a private moment with a donkey. The poor donkey is then declared to be an adulteress (Kari) by a village council who have the animal shot dead for the act of illicit sex. The donkey’s lover is reported to have gone into hiding.”

He is referring to this true story:

SUKKUR: Incredible though it may sound, a donkey was declared ‘Kari’ and shot dead here in a remote area on Monday. The Jirga imposed 110,000 rupees fine on the alleged ‘Karo’.

The reports said that in Village Ghahi Khan Jatoi, a villager Ghazi Khan alias Malang shot dead his donkey on being ‘Kari’ with Sikandar Ali alias Deedo. He attempted to kill Sikander too but the alleged Karo managed to escape and surrendered himself to an influential person of the area.

Sources said the influential person summoned both the parties and imposed 110,000 rupees fine on the Karo. They said Sikander and his family were forced to pay Rs 50,000 on the spot and the remaining amount in two installments.

The sources added that the alleged Karo pleaded innocence at the Jirga, but the Jirga members paid no attention to it. Sikander’s family said he paid Rs 50,000 to save his life otherwise he would have been killed.

You may be a Taliban if…

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbour’s goat.

Take a look:

Did you get it?

It’s the “blasphemous” Allah-chanting and “disrespectful” use of crucifix imagery from about 3:49 into the video.

Perhaps God’s Muslim and Christian soldiers were too aroused by the video to notice at the time.

The problem with the name al-Qaida, bin Laden wrote in a letter recovered from his compound in Pakistan, was that it lacked a religious element, something to convince Muslims worldwide that they are in a holy war with America.

Maybe something like Taifat al-Tawhed Wal-Jihad, meaning Monotheism and Jihad Group, would do the trick, he wrote. Or Jama’at I’Adat al-Khilafat al-Rashida, meaning Restoration of the Caliphate Group.

As bin Laden saw it, the problem was that the group’s full name, al-Qaida al-Jihad, for The Base of Holy War, had become short-handed as simply al-Qaida. Lopping off the word “jihad,” bin Laden wrote, allowed the West to “claim deceptively that they are not at war with Islam.” Maybe it was time for al-Qaida to bring back its original name.

A repackaging of an established brand is a difficult PR task at the best of times and bin Laden must have known he had his work cut out for him. But no fear, Spencer Ackerman’s readers are already on the case. You can post more or you can vote for the best from amongst these helpful suggestions for the Beards of Terror at al Qaeda HQ.

• Goat Busters
• Westboro Baptist Church
• League of Extraordinary Beards
• Angry Beards
• Kandahar Ardent Brotherhood Of Orthodox Muslims (KABOOM)
• iQaeda
• Explodia
• Terrorists Without Borders
• Microsoft Customer Service Call Center
• Bad News Beards
• The Whole In’shallah’da
• Yes We Quran!
• Cave Smurfs
• Quran Quran
• The Artist Formerly Known as Al-Qaida
• People for Extreme Terrorist Adventures (PETA)
• Sunni and Shiar
• SEAL bait
• Snuggle Bunnies
• Beard On The Run
• 72 Virgin Airways
• International House of Terror
• The Turbanators
• Dirka Dirka Mohammed Jihad
• Club der Deppen vom Dienst (DVD`s)

We thought “72 Virgins Airways,” the “League of Extraordinary Beards,” and “Terrorists Without Borders” were the funniest but the most well observed of the lot: “Why hide it any more? Inter-Services Intelligence.”

Takbir! *points AK47 upwards and fires a few rounds into the air*

1. Is that a copy of Nidham al-Islam in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
2. Fancy joining my halaqa?
3. Y’know, I’ve read all three volumes of Islamic Shaksiyyah, in Arabic.
4. Your jilbab looks amazing.
5. You know babe, I sold the most copies of Khilafah magazine in Stoke on Trent last month.
6. I just want to read mafahim to you all night.
7. Hey there, I couldn’t help but notice the way you were handing out those leaflets.
8. A hot girl walks past three shabs. The first says, ‘subhanallah’. The second says ‘mashallah’. The third says, ‘inshallah’.
9. So, babe, want me to show you some dangerous concepts?
10. I’m going to add you to my list of dawah contacts.
11. You wanna wake up and pray fajr with me?
12. Let’s have a candle lit iftar.
13. Can we share prayer mats?
14. Is that miswak in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
15. Do you want to see my flogging skills
16. Someone should implement the Hadd on your daddy cos he’s a thief. He stole the stars and put them in your eyes.
17. Tell your daddy you’re reading tahajjud with me tonight.
18. Get your takkatul, you’ve pulled.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 5

This could possibly be the best retort to those holier-than-thou-Islamists and lefties-without-a-cause who like to dictate to Muslims and everyone else the kind of doctrinaire politics which they are convinced are justifiably cause celebre and of singular importance to the the lives and personal politics of every man, woman and child who lives on this earth.

Iranians chanting at a football match about more pressing and relevant issues which concern them than certain others forced down upon them by the regime?

“No Gaza! No Lebanon! My life for Iran!”

You can almost hear they them say it:
“Imagine that, eh? How can those Iranians be so goddamn selfish and insensitive? What a bunch of wayyycist Zionazi neocons!”

At the height of World War II on April 6th, 1943, British Ambassador to Moscow, Sir Archibald Clark Kerr, wrote the following letter to Foreign Office minister Lord Reginald Pembroke in an effort to brighten up his day. Proof – as if it were needed – that name-based punnery and mild xenophobia did a roaring trade long before the internet was fired up.

Transcript

H.M. EMBASSY
MOSCOW

Lord Pembroke
The Foreign Office
London

6th April 1943

My Dear Reggie,

In these dark days man tends to look for little shafts of light that spill from Heaven. My days are probably darker than yours, and I need, my God I do, all the light I can get. But I am a decent fellow, and I do not want to be mean and selfish about what little brightness is shed upon me from time to time. So I propose to share with you a tiny flash that has illuminated my sombre life and tell you that God has given me a new Turkish colleague whose card tells me that he is called Mustapha Kunt.

We all feel like that, Reggie, now and then, especially when Spring is upon us, but few of us would care to put it on our cards. It takes a Turk to do that.

(Signed)

Sir Archibald Clerk Kerr,
H.M. Ambassador.

U.S. commandos who raided Osama bin Laden’s compound also recovered a “fairly extensive” stash of pornography, including videos, Reuters reports.

The news agency quotes unidentified current and former U.S. officials as saying it is unclear where in the sprawling compound the material was found nor is it clear who had been viewing it.

The officials specifically say they do not know if bin Laden himself had acquired or viewed the materials, Reuters reports.

Recently released home videos showed bin Laden viewing pictures of himself on a TV screen, indicating that the compound did have equipment for playing videos.

Textbook Islamic fundamentalist behaviour or just your average Saudi?